Loving Me Through It

Hello Dear Friends…..

First Diagnosed

First Day Of Chemotherapy

Andrew's 24th Birthday

Last Picture With My Hair

More Chemotherapy

Surgery Day

Surgery Day

Emily's 21st Birthday

Me & Em

32nd Wedding Anniversary

Relay For Life

Relay For Life Luminary

Hospital Stay

Christmas Eve With Friends

My Kids

My Kids Again

My Guy

Last Day Of Radiation

Enjoying Some Time

Carolien

Sofia

Vickie

Tammie

Heidi

Scott's Mom

My Mom And Dad

"Emergency!" Fans

A Surprise Visit

All My Friends

He Truly Loves Me Through It

It has been said that  “a friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.”

This post is a post to say THANK YOU to each and every one of you who took time from your life to sing my song back to me when I had forgotten the words! Every card, every letter, every email, every little package, every hug, every hand that held mine, every prayer that was whispered, every thought that was thought and all the love that was shared with me has meant more to me then you will ever know! I am so very grateful to all of you for loving me through this journey! I could never have done it without you! The road has been long and my bend in the road has had some pretty sharp turns along the way, but I can see the bend straightening out, I can see light at the end of the tunnel and I can now see the other side! Our God is such an awesome God!

These past few months have been hard, really hard. I have made more trips to City of Hope, a new plan for my treatment was reached. It took me 6 months just to get the symptoms of the super bug under control. I am not receiving chemotherapy right now but two other drugs, Herceptin and Perjeta , that are fighting these nasty little cancer cells. I will receive them every 3 weeks until at least April. I finished 33 sessions of radiation on June 1oth. I was really happy when that was finished because radiation was sooo exhausting… every day….a 2 ½ hour drive round trip. One thing is for sure… I was never alone! Never once! Two years ago today, when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, Scott held me when I cried and promised me I would not walk this road alone, I would not make this journey on my own!  He kept that promise….and has been there every step of the way…loving me through it, making me feel special, helping me feel normal. I have never loved this man more than I do right now! One night I received an email from Emily. I remember laughing because she was just in the next room, but the tears started flowing when I listened to the song she had sent me! It is the song I have on here today.... I’m Gonna Love You Through It by Martina McBride. Emily, you are so very dear to me. You have been there through it all, loving me through it, making me laugh, reminding me not to take myself so seriously, keeping everything in perspective, letting me know that I will not always feel like this and most important that I do make  a difference in your life. And through it all…. you still manage to find yet another kitten that needs rescuing! ( LOL) I am so very proud of the woman you have become! Thank you Emily for sending me this song. I love this song and it has been the song I have listened to more times than any other. It has gotten me through some pretty rough patches and has reminded me time and time again that I have never been alone…..that I have been extremely blessed because I have had a remarkable support system all the way….that I have been given love through every step of my journey. Andrew, every time I look at you I see the man that you are and am so grateful that you are my son! You have been my other bookend, always up for an episode of Emergency or spur of the moment bear hunts! You make my tea just as I like it and your chocolate chip cookies are out of this world delicious! Because of you I have realized that I am braver than I ever believed possible! And Holly….You walked into our front door one afternoon and right into my heart! Your love, encouragement, understanding when I am so very tired and shining spirit have meant so very much to me! The way you love Andrew does this Mother’s heart so much good and the friendship you share with Emily is beyond priceless! I love you like my own daughter and I know I couldn’t have come this far without you!

Being a good friend to a friend who has cancer is not easy. Giving love, support, hope and encouragement requires time and patience. Every person who fights cancer fights it in their own way but this I can tell you….being there for a friend who is fighting for her life is the best gift you can ever give to her! The little notes of encouragement, the flowers sent to her, the phone calls to see how she is doing, the postcards and little packages, the offer to help clean her house or make a meal or drive her to a treatment all is so very much appreciated. Even if she is too tired to talk or answer an email just knowing you are there is so very valuable. Sitting with her, even if she falls asleep, means so much. For me personally, just knowing I was never alone, that there was someone to call if needed gave me great comfort. After I lost my hair and was so sick during chemo and after losing a breast I didn’t feel like Jenny anymore. I looked different and felt different. All I wanted was to feel normal again not a person with cancer….just Jenny. My family and friends gave that to me. To them I was just Jenny….it didn’t matter that my breast was gone, that my hair was different, that some days I was too tired to do much of anything or that I cried over the silliest things. Because of that I soon came to realize that Jenny….the real Jenny….the one that really matters…..was still there, shining brightly, for all to see. My journey is not over yet. I still have a ways to travel, I still have to be VERY careful with infections and I still have cancer to fight. But I have made it this far, I am coming out the other side, I am shining brightly for my Lord and I have YOU! So….I will carry on and continue to be so grateful for all of you that have stood by me, that will continue to stand by me and who will always Love Me Through It!

So thank you all so very much for loving me through this journey, for remembering my song and singing it back to me and most important for being the blessing that each of you have been in my life! I have met some amazing people as I walked this road, and each and every one has touched my life and found a place in my heart. You all hold a special place in my heart, a very dear place and you will be there for always! After all friendship isn’t about whom you have known the longest…. it’s about who came and never left your side. I love each and every one of you! Forever!

Love, Jenny~

A Man, A Veteran and….Just My Dad

Hello Dear Friends and Welcome to my blog. I am so glad that you dropped in to share a quiet moment with me. I so appreciate the comments and emails I receive letting me know how much you like my posts!

Today is November 11^th, 2016 and it is Veterans Day here in America. It is a day that we celebrate, honor and thank those brave men and women who have given so much of themselves to serve our country in our Armed Forces. I am so very thankful for the job these men and women perform on a daily basis, for the sacrifices not only they make but their families as well, for the assurance that they are there both night and day keeping me and my family safe. Over the years I have been privileged to know many who have served and I have been even more privileged to call them friends. Today however I am writing about one man who has served in the United States Air Force. A man who served during the Korean War. This man loves his Lord, his country and his family and shows it every day. This is a man I am so very proud of and love so very much. This man is my father but I am proud because I can call him Dad!

Leslie Thomas Haar was born on August 28^th 1930 in Fresno, California. One of my very favorite stories about my dad is that he was born an identical twin. He and his brother, my Uncle Stan, are so identical that the only difference between the two are their thumb prints. All the lines in their thumb prints are the very same, except for one….on one the line goes up and on the other down. It is truly amazing to see these two men together and when I was a little girl and our families would get together I had to be very careful which one I called Dad! I always would remember what clothes my Dad would be wearing on that day so I would get it right…..but even then I know I called my Uncle Stan “ Dad”  at least a few times. If you think it was difficult for me as a little girl to tell these two guys apart imagine my mom….who dated and married my dad and had to tell them apart! My dad is a wonderful musician and he played in his school bands while growing up. He marched in the Rose Bowl parade one year and also performed in some Hollywood productions. Every Christmas Eve my family and I sit and watch It’s A Wonderful Life. I love that movie and l love watching it with my family and the memories that we make every year. I so enjoyed the year when my children were old enough to really understand because when we got to the scene when Jimmie Stewart and Donna Reed were dancing in the gymnasium and the floor was separating and the pool was revealed my dad was actually playing in the orchestra. Oh yeah that was a fun moment!

My Dad served in the Air Force during the Korean War. He served in the 18^th Fighter Bombing Wing and the 12^th Fighter Bombing Squadron. He was an Airman First Class. My Dad shared stories about his service over in Korea and I have many memories of him sharing many of his memories with us. I treasure those times. My favorite story though is one he started telling me when I was a little girl.  He told me how when he was over in Korea my Grandfather would send him care packages from home. There would be lots of things in the package but the one thing that was so important was the can of Spam! Never underestimate the power of Spam! My dad would open his package and there would be the Spam all nestled snug and secure in the box. My Dad however didn’t keep that Spam to himself….he opened it and shared it with his “buddies” or the guys he was serving with! They would heat it up over their little stove and share this special time together! I have always treasured this story and every time I hear this story I picture my Dad sitting there enjoying his Spam and the laughter and companionship that he shared with these men. It was only after I was grown that the true meaning of this story hit me. For you see that is exactly who my Dad is…..he is a gentle man who shares what he has with the people that he loves and cares about. No matter who he is talking too or spending time with he always makes that person feel special, valued and important to the conversation. This is one of the many gifts that my Dad has and one I so deeply admire!

My Dad married my Mom on October 8^th, 1961 and they have now been married for 55 years. Do you know that when they go out together they still hold hands? I love that about my parents. One afternoon when they went to see a movie a woman commented that she thought it was so sweet that they were holding hands. My Dad chuckled and responded with a smile “ we do it because we have to hold each other up so we don’t trip and fall.” Of course that brought a laugh to the people in the theater but I know the real reason they still do it. Love and commitment and the real caring about each other….these are the values that my Dad and Mom both have and I am so proud of that!

On August 11^th, 1962 I was born. I have so many treasured memories of my Dad growing up, memories that I cherish and that make me cry in a heartbeat. My Dad worked for Pacific Telephone when I was growing up and for a while he worked the four to midnight shift! He would come home long after my homework was done and I was tucked into bed but every night I would wake up and see the glow of the TV in our living room. That was my signal that my Dad was safe at home and I would quietly get out of bed and go and see him for just a minute. I would come into our living room and there he would be watching a little something on TV and eating out of his half gallon of ice cream container. I would snuggle up to him, get a little bite of ice cream and then he would carry me back to bed and tuck me in. My Dad never turned out my light when I was a little girl…. I always blew it out….LOL. My Dad was always there when I was growing up. He taught me how to shoot a basketball and throw a baseball. He put a window box under my bedroom window and then watered my pansies for me because he knew how much I loved to see their happy faces! He spent long hours helping me with algebra so I wouldn’t fail that math class. He was there when I broke my arm and took care of me when I had the flu. He shared his love of old movies with me as well as his love of books. He taught me how to drive in the parking lot of the Junior College near our house and was VERY understanding when I wrecked the car…grins…He made me feel special and beautiful when I was feeling awkward and ugly and most important of all he always reminded me that he loved me…even when I was angry, or embarrassed or felt like I didn’t have a friend in the world. He would make pancakes or French toast on Saturday mornings and let me sleep in or curl up with a book while he made them! More importantly however he showed me by example how to treat others, how important it is to be kind and caring and honest…to be loyal to our country and to respect its leaders. He showed me what being a Christian meant…not just in words or making sure I was in church on Sunday mornings but by example because that is how he lived his life! He gave me away at my wedding and accepted Scott as his own son. He was so very proud to become a Grandpa not only to my Andrew and Emily but to Jon’s boys as well. Family is all important to him and he has been there for all the good memories as well as the tough times, always reminding us how much he loves us! Andrew and Emily treasure the time they spend with both their grandparents and there are many memories there, from trips to Disneyland to outings at the park, a game of Monopoly, or Chicken Feet, Cribbage or Clue! Andrew has taught my Dad how to use his IPhone and to wear his baseball hat backward and my Dad has taught him about airplanes, the military and how to be the best man possible.

So Dad when you read this I just want to say how much I love you! Yes today is Veterans Day and I am so proud of the service you gave to our country, but there is so much more…I am proud of the man you are, the Veteran you are but most important of all I am proud of the Dad you are because I would not be the person I am today without your love, guidance and constant support of who I am. You have loved me no matter what….without cancer and with cancer…feeling good or not feeling well at all. You have made me laugh when I want to cry and understand when I need to read just one more classic off your bookshelf! So today I just want to say “ Thank you” not only for your service to our country but for your service to our family….because none of us could have done it without you! I love you Dad! Happy Veterans Day!

The Warmth and Comfort of a Quilt

Hello Dear Friends,

I have finished it! I am so happy I could just well….do a happy dance! My pink and white quilt is done. The last tie has been tied, the last stitch in the binding has been completed and the last thread has been cut. The needles and pins, threads and scissors have been put back in their rightful places and it is just my quilt and I….together….sharing a quiet moment in time, reflecting on the journey, relishing in the fact that at long last this quilt has been completed, maybe not as I first envisioned it but lovely just the same. Handmade with love that is hopefully felt in every stitch! Remembering when it all started…….

The year was 1996…and yes you did read that correctly…grins….My family and I had just moved into our house and I had the desire to make a quilt! As I unpacked boxes, set up my kitchen, hung pictures and worked to make our house into a home I thought about this quilt. I decided on a pink and white gingham fabric and I knew I wanted it to have hearts appliqued on it as well. (You know me and my hearts…lol) Once we were settled in and the last box was unpacked I set about gathering my supplies. I found the perfect fabric, cut out my templates, washed and dried my fabric and was now eager to begin. I planned to cut out my first squares that evening after the children were in bed. I did not count on a precious baby girl starting to teethe that evening and become extremely fussy. No one would do but mommy….so mommy rocked and cuddled, sang and walked back and forth and looked longingly at the pile of fabric sitting neatly on the table. Scott knew how important this quilt was to me and he knew how eager I was to begin it so my “ knight in shining armor” patiently began to cut my squares for me. Now this was before my cutting mat and rotary cutter and to this day this is one of my fondest memories….Scott cutting my squares for a quilt I was so excited to make and me rocking our baby girl to sleep. At the time Andrew was just 4 years old and Emily was not yet one. Tiny little children that needed their mom….so my days were busy indeed. I loved absolutely everything about being a mom so I knew that this quilt would not be done in a hurry. I worked on it in spare little moments of my day. These little moments became very special to me and now have become the special memories of which this quilt is made.

I remember…..

Emily taking her morning naps to the gentle whirrrrr of the sewing machine.

Me quietly sewing on the quilt while Andrew would play nearby with his fire engines and Emily with her baby doll.

Sitting outside on our patio with a heart block in my hand appliqueing it on to the white fabric while Andrew and Emily played outside in their sand box or played with our sheltie Laddie.

I remember sewing on this quilt one night when Andrew was really sick with pneumonia and Emily had strep throat and as I watched my two precious children sleep I took one little stitch after another….each stitch a prayer…and each stitch keeping me grounded so fear would not take over and I could be calm….

I also remember working on this quilt right after my Grandma died. I remember promising her that I would keep her love of needlework going strong and that I hoped she would be proud of the things I made.

And after baths were taken, favorite stories read, teddy bears and rabbits tucked under covers for cozy sleeps with their child…..I would sit in the now quiet house, with the lights just bright enough for me to see and stitch and sew this precious quilt together….piece by piece…stitch by stitch…remembering the day and how blessed I was to be a part of this family and how much I loved my little boy and my little girl and how proud I was of them and all their little accomplishments.

It took awhile for me to complete the quilt top as you can now see. Andrew and Emily were growing up. I was actively involved with Andrew in his preschool and then kindergarten and first grade. I was busy with Emily and her little friends and I was actively involved in our church. I then started homeschooling both children and our days became busier and busier…lol. Little League, Basketball, Horseback Riding and Soccer became a part of our lives. Sidewalk chalk ,markers and crayons were replaced by bicycles and skateboards.  Weeks would go by and my pink and white quilt would wait patiently in its basket for me to pick it up again….which I always did … and then finally one day the quilt top was completed…..

I love hand quilting and I knew that would be the next step on the journey with my quilt. I guess I was overwhelmed, I wasn’t sure how I wanted to quilt it, nothing seemed right. So my little quilt was put aside but never forgotten. Never. I loved this quilt and I would find myself taking it out often and laying it on my bed, looking at it and remembering all those times I worked on it, trying to figure out what to do with it from here. Never having any of my ideas feel right somehow.

This quilt has traveled with me, believe it or not. When my parents both had major surgeries I brought the quilt with me to L.A. both times. I would take it out of my suitcase and lay it on my lap and be comforted by it. It traveled to San Diego for the same reason when my MIL had surgery. It has been to Morro Bay and felt the sea air…grins.

Our lives have changed yet again. My children are all grown up… honestly I turned around and there they were all grown up….I am battling cancer…. But the pink and white quilt top was just the same as it had always been. Maybe that was what it was supposed to be. I just didn’t have the energy to quilt after I was diagnosed with cancer. I just couldn’t for some reason. And then this summer I was reading a blog post about a quilt a woman had just finished…a TIED quilt. I stopped and thought a moment….yes this could work for my quilt! I went and picked up my pink and white quilt and laid it yet again on my bed and realized that yes I could finish my quilt this way…by tying it! I was so excited! I picked it up and held it close to my heart….” You will be finished after all”  I thought as I smiled, and placed it gently back in its basket, with a final loving pat! I layered it with comfy thick batting, after all it deserved to be cozy, and found a soft ,white muslin for the backing. I picked a darker pink fabric for the binding to match the darker gingham squares and I pinned it all together. I used pearl cotton to tie it with and actually managed a few rows before I ended up in the hospital. When I came home again there was my quilt waiting for me, still in its basket. I picked it up and held it close and once again laid it across my lap. It worked its magic yet again and brought great comfort and joy to me. I slowly began tying the little knots. One row was finished and then another. Soon a few more rows were finished and before I knew it I had tied the last knot and I was feeling better too! And stronger. I sewed the binding to the front of the quilt and then began hand sewing it down in the back. One little stitch at a time. I wasn’t in a hurry, I just sewed at my own pace, remembering all the times I had worked on the quilt before. I thought about how much had changed since I made the very first stitch but more important I remembered how much had stayed the same. Love! Faith! Family! Friends! The important things were still constant in my life! How thankful I was for that! The last stitch was finished!

My VERY favorite part of making a quilt is when I take it out of the dryer and hold that warm, cozy quilt to my heart and just hug it! It is that moment that I think WOW! I made a quilt! A real quilt! One to hold on to, to cuddle with and to love! For those of you who have made a quilt you know exactly the moment I am talking about because we all know that quilts are a commitment of time and they don’t get finished in a hurry…lol….most don’t take 20 years though…winks!

When most people see this quilt they see fabric squares sewn together. They might see the imperfections, the squares that don’t always match up, the hearts that are not quite centered. When I see this quilt all I see are the memories that have gone into its making.  I see my children growing up, I see my husband lovingly cutting fabric for me…because he loved me…and that is what love does. I have felt its comfort over the years and its healing as I tied it after my stay in the hospital. If you look closely you might even see a tear stain or two when the nostalgia made me cry or when I was working on it after my Grandma died. Mostly though I just see its love….because that is how I made it…with much love…every stitch a hope…a dream…a prayer….a memory!

The quilt is finished now and right where it belongs! Where it was always meant to be. For you see this was never “ my” quilt. I made it for my daughter Emily. It has always been for her. The little girl in my arms that night when Scott cut the squares for me now holds the quilt in her arms, now cuddles under its softness and now feels it warmth!

Enjoy the quilt my precious Emily and always feel its love…..because that is how I made it…Handmade With Love! For You! Love, Mom!

So what does a person do when the quilt they were making is finished and their heart is too full for words but their fingers are itching to work on another quilt? Why you start on another quilt of course! That is exactly what I have done and this quilt is just as special to me, just as sentimental as the pink and white quilt has always been. But that is a story for another day!

Take care my friends!

~Jenny~