Courage Doesn't Always Roar......

.....Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying I will try again tomorrow.

Hello Friends,

When I was a little girl I had a stuffed lion that I loved very much. I called him Leo the Lion but in actuality I think his name was Larry the Lion....grins....He was my friend and I remember playing with him all the time, carrying him around, taking him on rides in the car and pulling his string to listen to him talk. He would roar and say fun phrases like " I will protect you " and " I am a very,very,very brave lion. " One day his string broke and he could no longer talk to me but that did not matter, he was still Leo and I loved him. However my mom and dad felt he could be fixed so Leo was packaged up and sent to the "hospital" so the "doctors" could make him well again. Every day I waited for our mailman to bring Leo home to me and finally after a VERY LONG wait he did. I remember opening the box and there was Leo all ready to play. I pulled his string and out came " I am a very, very, very brave lion. "  To this day remembering Leo still makes me smile. Some days I really need something to smile about.

I have started my battle against cancer. When a person is fighting cancer there are so many things that need to be done. There are so many things that a person needs. For me personally I find that I need a strong determination, a positive attitude, strength even when I don't feel like it, love and support from family and friends, acceptance mostly by me because some days I don't feel like Jenny anymore, and I don't look like Jenny anymore either. However the one thing I need more then anything else is COURAGE.

I have needed courage everyday since I was diagnosed with cancer. Courage to have all the tests done and to hear the results. Courage to meet my team of doctors, courage to talk about surgery, courage to walk into Loma Linda Hospital to have my port-a-cath put in so I could have chemotherapy, courage to handle and deal with my extreme shoulder pain after surgery and courage to accept all the things I could not do because of it. Courage to put off chemotherapy because there are so many possible complications during chemo and I had to have a second surgery to redirect my port so I could have the use of my arm back and then finally the courage to walk into my doctors office to have my first round of chemo. I was really afraid that day....but I did it....and I have done it a second time too....and I will do it for a few months yet because I have to....because I have to make it around the bend.

So how am I doing people ask. How am I really doing? Honestly I am okay. Chemotherapy is no joke. It makes me sick for the first 3 to 4 days afterwards. I have a hard time reading and I can't watch T.V. during that time and eating and drinking.....hard, really hard, but I do it because I have to. I need a lot of courage during that time. I remember this last time I was so weak and I felt really rotten and I started to cry and I told Scott that I didn't think I could do this, I didn't think I was brave enough to do this and he just held my hand and said " Yes you can Jenny because you already are doing it !" Wow! Talk about impact! Those very words have stuck with me as I climbed out of feeling rotten and every day started to feel a little bit better. My white blood cell count has been really low so I have to have a series of shots that cause a lot of bone pain while my body is making more white blood cells, but I can do it because I already am doing it! I have to learn to manage my fatigue and accept the fact that I can't do it all anymore.....but I am still fighting cancer and I can do it because I am doing it! Courage.....oh yes I need courage! I also lost my hair less then 2 weeks ago. Okay I really needed courage then. That was a rough day and I cried... a lot! I really missed my hair and I felt that was a big piece of my identity that I lost. Courage.....and at the end of the day I could be thankful that the chemo was working. I figured if it is strong enough to kill my hair cells then it is strong enough to kill the cancer and after all that is what this is about... to beat cancer! It is only hair after all....hair today...gone tomorrow...grins...and if I have to choose to lose my hair or my life....then hands down it is my hair that will go! It will come back....any guesses as to what color?

Courage! Courage to face the facts that cancer will take some things....my hair for now and probably one breast if not two. Courage to face the days really tired but to keep going anyway! Courage because even though I don't look like Jenny right now and some days I don't feel like Jenny I am still Jenny! I am still the same woman who loves her Lord, her family and her friends. It does not matter what is on the outside....it is what is in my heart that does matter. Courage....I will have courage every day....the courage to find joy, the courage to smile and the courage to help someone else smile too!

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength! That is where my courage comes from and that is why I know I will always have courage....because He will always be with me. Always!

If you are reading this blog and have already gone through chemo and radiation...you are my hero! I admire anyone who has fought cancer....the battle is hard but I look at the men, women and yes children that have done this before me and I am inspired. You are my hero. If you are just starting out on this journey don't give up! You will the find the strength and courage to continue the battle and if I can encourage you in just a small way then I am happy to do so!

Courage....to change the quote a little from my Leo the Lion...." I am a very, very, very, brave woman"  and I couldn't do it without all of your thoughts and prayers and encouragement. You all hold a special place in my heart!

~Jenny~